First of all, so much for constant uploading to let out my inner feelings regularly to lead a healthy, fulfilling life. That failed. Regardless, exams were over in May. It is too cold at university. My body and blood were obviously not designed to fit with snow and .. ew. Anyway. I can’t wait to go back home. Where I won’t have to look at shitty American bullshiz for a month. There is way too much. It’s not cool. Criminals are stupid. Case files are stupid. Pictures are so gorey. I don’t like blood or cut up people. I don’t care what crazy murderers can do anymore. I don’t care if one comes after me right now. I want to sleep. I’ve had one too many redbulls lately. My room is a mess. I stopped doing my laundry 3 months ago. I need to stop buying new clothes. I have to pack. I need to do my laundry in order to pack. I want to go home now. I want to sit on a chair, have a beer and not think about everything I have to do. I have too much work. I think I’ve mentioned that earlier. My thought pattern isn’t reasonable or sane anymore. They have the minimum amount of psychology incorporated in this program. I need my psychology. It’s unacceptable. I don’t like famous politicians. They are all stuck up and stupid. I could take them down, after a decent amount of sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up for 4 days. I want to listen to happy music and love life again. I want to see my friends from high school. I want to go shopping. I want to spend everything I’ve ever earned in Hong Kong. I miss my babies. I miss my children and their smiles and laughter and overall outlook on life. I miss not being the child I should have been. I want to play my violin. I want to see Andrew Bird on January 18th. I want to sleep.

I’m sick of word counts and paragraphs and typing (irony) and writing. I want to jump on my laptop. I love my Mac. I love Steve Jobs for creating this masterpiece. It’s almost as beautiful as the most beautiful place ever. It’s gorgeous. I love it. I call it “Buggy.” Because I call everything electronic I own “Buggy.” I have a dead plant in my room. I hate smart criminals. I hate it when they figure out how to piss us off. I hate seeing them in prison. I hate how they make fun of my shortness and woman’ness and I have to pretend to not care. Though I don’t. They’re in prison hating life more than I’m hating life. I hate prisoners. I hate law. But I love law. I love taking law. I love knowing every little rule and regulation that is so incorrectly written and stated. I love knowing all the flaws in the stupid system. I love knowing what’s right is generally never right. I love the stupid system. I love law. I love psychology. I want to conquer the world, but instead I complain. I want it to be sunny. I think I’ll buy sunflowers tomorrow. If they are still alive somewhere in this city. I can’t wait to go back home. I miss my bed.

Okay. Bye. I have to write a report on criminal number who cares and why I think he was prosecuted as he was. Because he was a failure at making clever plans. Idiot.

I should care. I’m literally destroying everything I built up for myself. I spent so long, separating myself from my family, my friends, my world to achieve all this, and now when the time has come for the true test, I’m not even bothered to make the smallest effort.

This pretend-revision I’m doing these days isn’t going to get my anywhere. I’m not even exaggerating.

I had contrived the perfect life. I took care of all my steps, I included the fall backs, the other options… I included every tiny aspect, and although it was a huge plan, it ultimately ended up in one place.

I don’t think I’m going to get my act together anytime soon.

Well, I’m off to destroy my life some more.

I haven’t much time, because I need to run off and revise some more. But, in short:

1. I have the WORST exam schedule EVER – 7 papers in the first week, 1 paper in the second week, and 7 papers in the last 4 days of the third week.

2. Dinnerdance -or Prom for the Americans- is coming up.

3. Today, I received a lovely cigarette packet, which opened up to be sticks of chocolate. Sulz sent it to me, it was so sweet, along with a post card. I’ll try and get the picture of them up. XD

4. Chris, I will be in touch, sorry for disappearing. But I’d like to be email-buds with you. I think that would be really interesting.

5. MY DRESS IS GORGOUS! I know I’m not the really freaking girly and oh-my-gosh-I-have-to-have-the-perfect-dress, and I wasn’t until I saw this dress on the internet and I got this tailor to make it for me. This is going to be my wedding dress, I don’t care that it’s gray.

6. I really have to go! I’m freaking out about my paper on Monday because I really blew the last one. It was math. I actually failed, I had no idea what to write for any of the questions. D:

Okay! Bye! Happy living. XD

Love,
Firerocket

————————–EDIT: 10th May, 4.53PM————————————-

I just had to find time to make this edit. I feel I need to just express myself over this matter because otherwise, I won’t be able to contain myself.

So, as all of you (should) know, Hong Kong found it’s first Swine Flu victim the other week. I swear to god, ever since then, this city has been going crazy trying to protect itself. I understand why, we lost so much money when SARS came around, not just money but there were so many disruptions. Schools were closed for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! Insane, seriously. Anyway, so, there’s no way that they are having that again, so they are going out of their way to protect the city. They literally put every single person the victim was involved with in any way under quarantine. They were realeased like … royalty. They blocked off two main roads, which lead to congestion all over the city just so that those poor souls could stay in Hong Kong for however long they wanted to (if they were visiting) and they gave them a grand tour of the best things in Hong Kong as an apology.

This morning, we received a package in the mail, as did every single other person. I’m not sure that the package has been sent out to all of Hong Kong, but I am 70% sure it has been. I have a picture.

(The poster thing was inside the package, I just took it out to take the picture) The bag has like.. 10-15 disinfectant wipes, hand soap, masks, a booklet - "Guide to healthy living" or something like that, and that poster was folded up in there. (The back of it is in Chinese)

Sorry about the crappy quality. It’s my phone. Anyway, so as you can see, that’s the package. I am 100% that they sent that to every single apartment here. We have 16 towers, each tower has 65 floors, and each floor has 8 apartments. So, a total of 1040 floors, and 8320 homes. (Maybe you should do the math yourself, I’m probably wrong)

Anyway, so it just amazes me that they have sent out that package to every single apartment – I swear, every single apartment IS taken.

I’m just so proud of this city. It’s going to such extremes to stay on top, like it always does. Yay!

Also, the other day, my mother went on the MTR -my favorite transportation system- and some guy started choking on something, but someone else thought he was having a coughing fit, so he reported him. They evacuated the entire train, took the coughing man away in an ambulance, everyone on the train was given a mask, they were told to clean their hands and face using the disinfectant they provided. Then their clothes were sprayed or something with something that kills the germs on the clothes. Then the cleaners wore special suit-type-things and went in and swiped that train clean. My mom, when she got back on the train, she said it smelled like they just tackled AIDS in there.

Okay, I have to go now. I took a little break. But I think I’m going to be okay for the exam tomorrow. But you never know.

Bye!

Maybe I am a stranger to myself. I know for a fact that I wasn’t a stranger before. Then suddenly, it’s just a gypsy came along and stole my soul away and said to me that I can’t have it back until I’ve learnt my lesson. I have no idea what that lesson could be.

I think I am a crazy, mental, psychotic freakshow. But no one sees it, except me. I don’t let people have their ways… ever. It just doesn’t work. I’m like a little stubborn brat. If I want it, have it I will. I don’t care how long it takes, but I’ll have the last laugh. I don’t care what it costs me.

I have this urge of talking in the second person, I don’t feel like myself right now. I’m that stranger, typing through Firerocket’s body. I’m that stranger who will ultimately lead her into her own death someday.

I don’t plan on living past the age of 30′ish. After that, you get old. I don’t want to get old. I’m so scared of growing old. I don’t want to depend on others, which I most likely won’t because I’ve got all this money for some reason. But I don’t want to be on medication for a sore knee. I don’t want my back to arch permanently. I don’t want to see wrinkles on my face, there’s a reason I take care of my face just right so wrinkles don’t ever show. I don’t want this whole… growing old thing to ever come around, so I started my life early I suppose.

I am proud of myself right now, for starting my adult life earlier than the vast majority of the population. I think this whole doing too much thing is the reason behind my insanity. Most likely. It’s either that, or it’s from my parents. OR! It’s both. I think it’s the fact that I never had a proper “teenage” phase, I never properly “grew up” and I skipped all that and went into adulthood far too early.

I’ll be sad leaving behind my children. I really miss them. I think I’m going to hop down there right now. I wonder if my pilot is awake. It’s 1.37AM right now. Should I wake him up? I’d feel terrible. I think I’ll wait till the morning and give him a call then. He’s really a lovely person.

Remember my friend who went to Africa to help people? Yes, he managed to contact me and he’s on his way back to get more things he needs. So, I thought I’d show him around Cambodia, and then maybe go with him to see what he’s been upto.

I really, really like him. I like how he treats me, and how he treats others. I like how he is self-less, that’s a quality anyone should die for, well, I know I would. I also like how he goes out of his way to get things he wants done, it’s really inspiring to others. He’s very motivated. Oh dear, Firerocket has a love interest? When did that happen!

It’s 1.41AM and Firerocket is signing out!
Goodnight.

They are so silly. I would literally rather die than spend more than 8-10 hours inside this place. But, it’s okay. Being the sneak I am, I will be going to work everyday. So, basically live at the firm for as long as possible. I don’t plan on studying, because, well, not to be stuck up or anything, but I don’t need to. I’ll ace it all without studying.

I never completely understood why I don’t need to put in so much effort. I think it’s because I just absorb all the information I am given and I keep it until it’s needed again and apply it exactly then. Even math. For math, I don’t even have to know WHY something is done to understand the concept. If you show me how its done, without the reasons, I’ll do it.

So, anyway. I was suppose to quit smoking. But that never happened. I still smoke, just slightly less I guess. I honestly cannot quit. I felt like such a freaking loser trying to quit something, even if its something as horrible as smoking. I feel like a quitter. And, when I’m not smoking, I feel weird. I feel empty, or as if something is missing which I can’t seem to place.

I wish I never started in the first place. But the thing is, it does help me relieve the tension and stress from my ridiculous life. So, I smoke. Every cigarette, I’m thinking “Oh shit. Stop smoking. That’s one year of your life gone. You’re going to die. Stop fucking smoking you idiot.” just OVER and over again. Yet, I continue. It’s a weird relationship I seem to be having with cigarettes.

I mean first of all, I’m breaking the law. And I’m the one who’s just dying to study law. It’s clearly underage smoking. I should just arrest myself. Second of all, I’m so young. The rest of my life is just going to crumble up in front of my eyes.

Every cigarette, I see months of my life flaking away with the burnt bits. And I think of all the videos and pictures I have been shown of. All the pictures of lung cancer and all the picture of dead smokers due to smoking-related pictures. I’ve seen all the deformed babies due to smoking. Seen the handicapped children because their mothers smoked. And it just does not affect me. NOTHING changes. I see it, and I light up and off I go. I am disgusted and ashamed at myself for doing it while I’m doing it, but I keep smoking that damn cancer stick. I can’t put it down.

The weird thing is… When I’m smoking, and I see a kid in the distance, I actually stub out my cigarette and start spraying the area with perfume or something just so the kid doesn’t smell it or get affected by it. My heart starts pounding and I become all paranoid and just.. its SO weird. I feel like such a freak every time I do it.

GAH! I will never understand myself, I suppose.

This post has made me want a cigarette. -.-

Adios.

MOVING ON!

I have four more days of school left, ever. I can’t stop listening to “Leaving on a jet plane.”
This song, reminds me of the fact that, all my school life, I thought, I’d have a high-school sweetheart. And we would make it to the end of time and get married and all of that. I find myself with one dream, that’s possibly realistic, that I haven’t achieved. Then again, love isn’t something you achieve.

I can’t stop listening to “Leaving on a jet plane.”
I’m going to miss Hong Kong. I am not ready to leave this city. I’ve found my home, finally.

We have lived in 18 places, searching for a place we can finally call home, until we stumbled across this amazing country. Hong Kong (S.A.R) is now my home. It’s where I want to be when everything seems wrong. It’s where I’m not lost, even when I am lost. This is the place where I finally fit in somewhere. I never blended in at school anywhere, but I didn’t blend in anywhere else either for all the other places. Here, I found my niche. I found what I wanted to be, where I wanted to be.

We’ve lived in Chicago, New York, San Diego, Calcutta, Delhi, Switzerland, Finland, Toyko, Kyoto, Seoul, Beijing, Paris, Nice, Taiwan, Bordeaux, Washington DC, Bangkok, Phuket and now, we’re in Hong Kong.

When we first landed here, I said to my mother, “Great. Another place I’m going to hate.” And she just rolled her eyes at me. Here I am today, eight years later, wanting to weep my soul out so I don’t have to leave.

I don’t want to go to Harvard or even Cambodia. I don’t want to live anywhere but here. This is it. Just the thought that I’ll be at university for up to 4 years, makes me cringe. The fact that I’ll be living elsewhere and I’ll have to come back to “VISIT” Hong Kong screws with my head. I DON’T want to “visit” my home.

Yeah.

MORE RAMBLING TO COME! X_X

Gonna go watch ‘Whose line is it anyway!” and then go to the gym. Baii.

I’ve decided to lose some weight. So, I’m going to be at the gym or just running around a lot. Hmm.. I’m trying to think of other significant events that have occured lately.

…

Oh, yeah! I won the Psychology prize this year, for “continuous hard work, all around excellence, insightful comments, continual progress, excellent leadership skills, helping anyone as much as she possibly can and for extreme modesty.” -.- That last one, actually made me make the -.- face before going on stage.

I’ve always had a fear of going on stages. It’s just so scary. You’re literally the center of attention and everyone just stares at you, watching your every move. GAH! I don’t know why i’m not scared of being a lawyer. Standing there, defending or just accusing someone based on my stats and facts, which could so easily be proved wrong. That’s worse. Yet, I feel right more at home there. -.-

-Sigh- Weird child.

ON OTHER NEWS! We won another case. (Me and my mentor.) I love him for so many reasons… Seriously. I love him because:

1. He’s more of a father figure to me than my own father.
2. He’s the only person that I listen to.
3. I can honestly, see his genuine care and interest in wanting to help me.
4. He’s just FUN.
5. He made me realise how much bullshitting is required in law. -.-

We’ve never lost a case. I love being at the firm with him. He sits across me, and my desk is always oh-so-clean and organised and then his desk is pretty much a garbage dump.

And we sit around exclaiming some of the case requests, for example:

Me: HAH! He wants me to defend him because he made his 6 year old do drugs with him.
Him: Hahaha! Idiot.
Me: We need to get the kid away..
Him: Just gave them orders.
Me: Shizzam.
Him: SHIZZAM!

Yeah. Best mentor ever. I don’t get why lawyers get paid so much. They regurgitate a bunch of information from a giant book.

Our world is stupid. People that put in the minimal efforts – like myself – get paid like crazy, and people that sit out there in the fields, working their heads off in the hot sun get paid close to nothing.

It’s so stupid. Has anyone noticed my anger and frustration at the world? I don’t want to live in it anymore.

BLEH.

Anyway, I was replying to Freddie’s comment when I started thinking about Gandhi and how much I love that man. I stand for so  many things he stood for. I also have the deepest respect for Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa (of course, me being me.) My top few heroes/people I look up to:

1. Mother Teresa
2. Gandhi
3. Mandela
4. Lincoln

We need people like that back in our world. Has anyone realised the lack of charity? Has anyone realised the freaking lack of caring for others and giving up everything to fight for equality for OTHERS and just fighting for others! Nobody does that anymore. No.

We are all comfortable in our air conditioned houses and apartments and cars and offices and we spend out money buying more and more alcohol and weed and cocaine and pay Gucci and Louis Vuitton to kill animals and stick their skin onto a so-called fashionable hang bag and print their brand logo on their skin.

It actually makes me sick. I hate this society. I hate what the hell this world has become.

No, it has not gotten better at all. It has gotten worse and worse and worse over the years. Have we learnt nothing from our ancestors? We came up with the quote “Learn from your mistakes” yet we sit here in our comfortable chair or tucked inside our bed with the newest laptop on our laps making the same mistakes over and over again with no sign of realising that we are doing something wrong.

What really depresses me is that, I thought, I honestly really thought that I could make a difference. I honestly thought that I could take all these silly, self-absorbed ideas from people’s head and just blow them all up until they are in such fine pieces that they will never be found again and it will be a world of equality and peace. When I turned 14, I thought I would the one. I set myself out to be the next Teresa, the next Gandhi, the next Mandela. And now, I sit here, already defeated at the young age of 17, having accomplished what seems like a lot, but really, it’s nothing.

My education, it no longer seems of any use. All I am, is another consumer that feeds off the world’s poorest and the world’s most fragile of populations while hoping, simultaneously to change beliefs of billions of others.

Such small words, to describe such immense affairs. Equality. Peace. Freedom.

Except when it gets towards the end, it’s pretty lame. I only actually like till about 1:55.

Awesomeness. Sorry, I linked the first video I found. -.- It’s pretty freaking lame, but whatever. It’s the music that matters. Let the music speak.Music should color the world.
I like this line the best:

“Because when I arrive,
I, I bring the fire.
Make you come alive,
I can take you higher.”

My fingers smell like cigarettes. It’s so disgusting. I had stopped for about .. 4 days, and then the stress was getting to me. I started being really fidgety and just… my nerves were acting up and I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I’ve started it all over again. Back to square one! First time ever that I’ve gone back. It’s pathetic. Moving on is suddenly difficult.

Well, it was difficult after the whole boyfriend-breakup-thing. But since then, it’s been a steady recovery. And now, it’s like I’ve hit rock bottom all over again while still standing on top of a high mountain. The world’s all gone wrong. I feel like a demonstration of Goffman’s theory, you know the one with the different masks and multiple selves etc. Yeah.

I may just be mentally ill, but I haven’t checked the DSMIV and I don’t plan on. That classification guide is all wrong.

Right, bye. Gotta work!

Only four more weeks, and then I’ll be on study leave and then I’ll sit my exams and thats it. It’s so odd.

Ahh, well. I better get back to revising soon. X_X

I can’t believe I’m all … old now. Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at this moment?

I’M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE! D:

On the other hand, I’m not young anymore!

I really, really hate math. It’s so stupid, I don’t understand when in my life, I am ever going to need to calculate the gradient or solve two simultaneous equations. Honestly. -.-

What do you hate?

Love,
Firerocket.